Those voices in our heads, oh, those voices in our heads! You've seen them before. They speak in whispers of disapproval and scepticism. "Who do you think you are?" they ask. "How could you possibly be so clueless?" and "How could you possibly be so clueless?" They're experts at making us believe we're not good enough. And, before we really realise it, we begin to lose faith in who we are, what we do, and pretty much everything we thought we knew.
Does this ring a bell? Those voices in our heads, oh, those voices in our heads! You've seen them before. They speak in whispers of disapproval and scepticism. "Who do you think you are?" they ask. "How could you possibly be so clueless?" and "How could you possibly be so clueless?" They're experts at making us believe we're not good enough. And, before we really realise it, we begin to lose faith in who we are, what we do, and pretty much everything we thought we knew.
Does this ring a bell?

Step 1: Figure Out the Root Cause

Knowing why you're losing confidence is crucial to stopping the downward cycle and regaining, as well as boosting, your confidence.
So take the time to become aware of your surroundings, ideas, habits, and relationships in order to identify the negative effects that need to be addressed.

For example:

• Are you comparing yourself to other people’s “highlight reels” on social media? Does doing that boost your confidence or does it do the very opposite?
• Are you putting unrealistic expectations on yourself? Do you feel as if you have to be “perfect” or that you have to “know it all” from the word go? Are those “unattainables” part of the problem in your losing confidence?
• Are you feeling your age? Whether you’re in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, or beyond, every season of life brings with it new experiences, and sometimes, having to learn something new contributes to our losing confidence in who we thought we were.
• Are the people in your life—your so-called “friends,” your bosses, colleagues, or even your significant others—disrespecting you to the point of beating you and your self-confidence down?

By asking yourself these questions and finding answers, you can start to break free from whoever or whatever is holding you back.

Step 2: Remember Who You Are

I understand. This sounds either overly straightforward or a little intimidating, if not downright frightening. But I can assure you that everyone I've coached has found it empowering.
Simply said, this is a form of self-assessment. So, get a piece of paper. Make a list of how many years you've lived.
You can begin at any age and focus on individual or group years in five- or ten-year intervals. It makes no difference how you go about achieving it. When you do, it's just important that you're honest with yourself.
Humans are more likely to remember and reflect on the bad aspects of their lives—past traumas, negative experiences, and perceived failures. As a result, during this activity, you should force yourself to write down things you've done in the past that have led you to where you are now.
There is no such thing as a trivial moment. There will be no judging or cherry-picking. You simply jot down everything.
Did you take your first steps when you were 11 months old, for example? When did you initially say your first word? When did you first learn to ride a bike? When you acquired your driver's licence, were you 16 years old? Did you learn how to use a computer on a PC or a Mac? When was the first time you had a crush or kissed someone? Have you ever had to look after a furry or feathered friend? When was the last time you took a flying ride? When you got your first paycheck, how old were you? What's one thing you've done in the past that you never imagined you'd be capable of?
You know, when we look back on all the things we've done (and succeeded at)—many of which we had no idea how to do at the outset—we realise just how competent we are.
It's not that we didn't make mistakes or fall down in our attempts to learn. Most certainly, we did. The key is that we developed and that nothing lasts forever, neither the good nor the bad.
We begin to see ourselves more clearly and gain self-confidence as a result of this exercise. In hindsight, we also start to acquire perspective, and we frequently have those lightbulb moments where we realise how one event that didn't go as planned actually became the trigger for something bigger and better than we could have imagined.
We then take it a step farther and venture outside of ourselves. So, make a quick social media post or send a text message to your friends and family asking them to share two or three attributes that come to mind when they think of you.
Don't be afraid to say it, and don't be afraid of what people might say. I guarantee that the responses you receive will surprise you in a good manner.
We're all our own worst enemies, but that doesn't mean we can't learn to accept ourselves (and who those voices of self-doubt and judgement in our heads have us convinced we may be).

Step 3: Strike a Pose

Fans of Madonna may have just said the term "Vogue," and that, indeed, is part of what I'm talking about. If you haven't read the words to Madonna's 1990 hit with that title, I strongly advise you to do so.
When you don't feel good enough inside yourself, that song is all about getting on the dance floor. The words are aimed at anyone who is lacking confidence, and they suggest that icons with attitude have always gone out and done their thing—and that you can, too.
Do you have any doubts? Don't believe it's that simple? Don't know how to dance or even enjoy it?
I understand. But, before you discard this step, consider what got me started on the path to striking my stance anytime I felt my confidence was slipping and I needed a pick-me-up.
I was a young company executive trying to stay afloat during a particularly trying period of combining with another organisation. Moments before I was to face a boardroom full of fate-deciders, my paths crossed with an older, wiser "been around the block" star.
This nice lady revealed with me her technique of exuding confidence even in her most fearful situations.
Are you prepared?
You execute what she dubbed "the Wonder Woman posture" in the elevator, corridor, or bathroom on your approach to whatever it is that has shaken your faith in yourself and your talents (works no matter how you self-identify).
Simply put, you stand tall, take up some space, place one hand on each hip, tilt your chin upward, breathe in deeply, and be present. Maintain this position for a few minutes. It's one of social psychologist Amy Cuddy's power points.

Step 4: Just Say “No”

When you lose your confidence, you've given up control. And saying the two-letter word NO is one of the quickest ways to reclaim your control.
This is going to take some time to master. What's more, guess what? You did the same thing when you lost faith in yourself. Return to the first step in this article. To destroy your self-confidence, each of those examples needed time and, yes, practise. So, now that you've identified which ones are negatively affecting your self-esteem, let's get to work on repairing your self-esteem.
Begin with a simple project. Is your psyche suffering as a result of your social media scrolling? Simply say "no" to it. Take a break from Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, or whatever it is that you are engrossed in.
You have the option of allowing that noise into your life or not. Prioritizing yourself by saying "no" to responding to other people's postings is something you can control and has a big payback.
What if you've discovered that your lack of confidence is directly linked to your age? It's no secret that bias and ageism exist, as well as a widely held belief that you're either too old or too young to participate in certain hobbies or learn new skills.
But here's what I've realised: we all believe that the decade before us was easier and that we were somehow better, smarter, and faster. Some of it may be correct, but not all of it.
Say no to focusing on what you believe you can't do or can't perform as well as you once could. Put your efforts into everything you know, everything you've done, the wisdom you've obtained, and the abilities you've learned. Tell your inner voice "No" every time it criticises you. Thank you, but you're incorrect, and here's why..."
At least once a day, practise saying "no." It could be in response to your inner critical voices of doubt, or it could be in response to the external circumstances you've identified as causing you to lose confidence. It, together with the other suggestions, are really effective in recovering your self-assurance.